Inspire Desire

The struggle it takes to try and get your needs met is another big disappointments in relationships.  You enter your relationship with such high hopes that this lover is “going to fulfill me, save me, provide for my happiness.”  Your eyes sparkle with the thought of how this new person is “going to do this thing and going to do that thing that makes me feel so complete.”  You just know that “happily ever after” is on the horizon.  And then, time goes by, and you can’t help but recognize that your partner really isn’t so interested in doing all those things to fulfill your life, are they? And neither are you for them, really, aren't you?

This unfortunate result typically takes 1 1/2 - 2 years to realize that you have just invested in the "wrong person".  If you come to the conclusion that it's just not going to work, another 2 years of your youth has now been lost, personal relationships are at stake, and all the things you do actually like about your partner go out the door too.  And in many cases, the home you built is also lost.

But what if deciding that you need to find the right person is not your only option to find happiness?  Perhaps there was a better way, all along, to manage getting your needs met, that you just didn't know about.

It's quite common to see in the media the expectation we place on lovers:  I will know how much you love me by how much you are willing to sacrifice your needs for mine.  Once I realized I was asking my partner to sacrifice their selfish need for my selfish need, it was another difference that made a difference.  Why would I expect them to WANT to do that (anymore than I truly wanted to)?

All this pretended sacrifice by your partner and not living the way they want, in order to live the way you want, and vice versa, actually breeds resentment, not the desired love.  Sure the idea that your partner is sacrificing out of love sounds nice, but the truth is they are more often than not, avoiding emotional manipulation in the form of guilting, whining, mocking, or anger.

This show-me-you-love-me-by-sacrificing is a win-lose strategy.  You win and they lose and then later on they get to win and you get to lose.  I call this bargaining for needs.  Just because it is the way most people run their relationships, and it's the way that's taught in the media, and it's the way handed down to you by the old folks, does that mean there's not a BETTER WAY?  A way that actually works to keep your relationship from suffering the result of resentment?

Well the good news is YES!  It has been noted in many of my studies that people WILLINGLY do the things they value the most.  That being true, then if you ask for your needs to be met by linking them to something your partner values, they will gladly want to meet your need.  If you can show them how they can get one of their values met by meeting your need, they will give you a smile, and say YES from the heart.  How much more satisfying can such a win-win strategy be?