Traumas & Dramas
Have you ever looked at your partner in disbelief that he or she could have said what they just did? Then did you end up in this escalating battle, each trying to pull the other to your own mindset? The result of this confusion is frustration coursing through your veins that your partner could be so unreasonable.
Sound familiar? Unresolved fighting can leave you feeling drained, unseen and unheard, can't it? Add that to love dying and not getting your needs met with a smile (as explained in my prior blogs), and you have a relationship garden full of weeds.
But perhaps there is another way to communicate when your partner's buttons are pushed that doesn't lead you to angry frustration. And vice versa for them, too.
What you are encountering in these types of arguments is a defense. You are not talking to your loving partner at all. You are talking to their defense. This feels like talking to a wall, because YOU ARE -- a wall which your partner is safely snuggled behind.
You see, all babies go through 5 developmental stages as they grow up. Each stage contains a common trauma. Each trauma has a common defense that the child takes on to protect itself during a time when that is the best they can do. Unfortunately, these defenses are not left back in their childhood. They are carried into their adulthood where they wreak havoc with their relationships. Therefore, as an adult, they have no idea the deeper reasons why they get triggered the way they do.
These defenses, although annoying, once recognized, can give you a glimpse behind the curtain of your partner's triggers. This awareness can give you a new choice in your selection of responses. Instead of wrapping the story around your partner's behavior that "they don't care" or they need to "grow up", you could see that an old wound is being triggered, automatically leading to a need to feel safe. And this need for safety automatically triggers a defense. With this in mind instead, is it possible you could get curious and respond with more compassion?